What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:03
So, i spoilt her more .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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I was seconnd youngest,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I waited trembling.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ive learnt so much.
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Was to survive, this bastard.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why are there so many single moms in America?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I write beautiful poetry .
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And i lived it daily.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So whats the point in blame.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Comes on , in middle age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I never cut or harmed myself..
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was scared of men, in general
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was very sick at this time too.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He knew the spot.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot live in the past .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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We all went to grammer schools
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Would this be the day?
Especially a lifetime of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But, we were locked up after school.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We were not on the streets..
I will be 64.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I think the readers, may guess!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I don,t even have a pension.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I have no regrets .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.